Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Dr. Shorty Pants

Since I really don’t have any new updates and we are still interviewing doctors to select an appropriate breast and reconstruction surgeon, I thought I would back up a bit and describe my experience having a Stereotactic Needle Biopsy.  As you may have recalled from my first blog, this procedure caused me to have Post Traumatic Booby Stress Syndrome (PTBSS).

The week before I had this procedure, the radiologist explained there wouldn’t be any or much pain involved in this biopsy.  She said I would be sufficiently numbed up and would only feel a little pressure.  So I arrived at the breast center that morning thinking it would be a non-event (big mistake... I should have taken a couple of Valiums and maybe had a margarita).   

My first impression of the doctor performing the biopsy was not very reassuring, but I didn't panic yet.  He reminded me of the twelve year-old kid who lives across the street from us (who is brilliant by the way).  I know it's hard to imagine, but I swear it is true, I was sitting on the examining table and he was standing directly in front of me, and we were eye to eye.   Yes, this young doctor was only five feet tall (or something like that).   Now, please be assured I have no biases against shorter people (because I am married to one), but Dr. Shorty Pants just looked too young to be performing medical tests on anyone and especially on ME.   Secondly, he asked my permission if the medical equipment salesman could come in during the procedure to show him a few tricks on the new software they recently installed.  Red flag, RED FLAG!!!  At this point, I should have told Dr. Shorty Pants I had an emergency and then run screaming from the room.  But of course, I was being "cool" and said that would be fine.  I was mentally hoping the account rep would appear to be at least the age of my oldest child and could provide guidance to young Dr. Shorty Pants.

So the medical Equipment Dude (ED) comes in and the procedure begins.  I quickly realize Dr. Shorty Pants has NEVER used this medical equipment before and ED is walking him through the whole process (spoon feeding to be specific).  In the meantime my entire body starts trembling because I am so nervous Dr. Shorty Pants is going to mess it up or hurt me even more than I am anticipating.  Also, the attending nurse is frustrated and acting stressed because she can’t get the imaging software to work when Dr. Shorty Pants asks her to take another picture.   So basically, everyone is stressed out in the room (especially me) as this 20 minute procedure takes an hour.

Anyway, the process to obtain the biopsy was quite painful even though Dr. Shorty Pants assured me they had given me enough medicine to numb a horse.  The stressed out nursed kept saying I couldn't possibly be feeling any pain and was trying to convince me I was just feeling "pressure."   Umm... yes, I know the difference between pain and pressure!   The doctor's first attempt to retrieve tissue samples was a total failure.  Apparently, he missed the target entirely and when they tested the samples, it didn’t include any of the calcification.  Oh great….  So this means they had to move this gigantic bow and arrow needle around to a different area (oh my heavens, I think I might just faint).  Thankfully ED (who is now becoming my hero) gave Dr. Shorty Pants some very specific direction on how to reposition the needle to ensure he would retrieve the tissue from the right spot and give the patient a more "pleasant" experience.  I kid you NOT, he actually said that while  standing two feet away from me (like I was fake patient).  This time they obtained some good tissue samples and thankfully the procedure was finally over!  Thank you Sweet Jesus!

As I was receiving my take home instructions from the stressed out nursed, there were about 3 or 4 technicians in the room trying to figure out how to send the images taken during the biopsy to the lab.  Apparently, they had never used this software and were whispering they hoped they hadn't deleted the whole file.  I was quietly praying they would get it to work because I knew there was no way I was EVER going through this procedure again!

So that sums up why I may have PTBSS for the rest of my life.  My sister, Karla believes I may need psychological therapy before I can trust any immature looking, shorter male doctors again.  I think she might be right.  In fact, every time I see that kid across the street playing in his front yard, I have horrible flashbacks of Dr. Shorty Pants.   

In an upcoming blog I will describe the MRI experience.  It was an odd experience which involved another interesting character, along with some funny commentary by my Romeo.  I can honestly say, the joys of having breast cancer are certainly providing me endless opportunities to experience new things and meet interesting people. 

Hope ya’ll have made your mammy appointments since last time we talked!  If not, please do it now!

4 comments:

  1. ooooooh, I bet Dr Shorty Pants' ears are burning! I see a bestseller in your future........x

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  2. Hey Andrea, I'm a colleague of Brittney's and I can totally see where she gets her sense of humor and ability to write VERY entertaining blogs! Thanks for letting us tag along on your journey. Just know that there are people in Ada praying for you and your family!

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    1. Oh BB is way more cleaver and funnier than moi. Thanks for the prayers. They are very appreciated.

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