Sleepless in Houston

For three days after my mastectomy and reconstruction surgery a nurse would come into my room EVERY single hour to check my “flap” to make sure the blood was still flowing and the skin graft was not dying.  To give you some background, the “flap” I am referring to is the real estate that previously resided under my old belly button which was relocated to build my new *ahem* lady part.  As I explained in the blog, “The Famous Dr. BK” this is why my surgeon is referred to as the “Booby King.”  Yes, he is not only an amazing doctor but also has incredible skills to rewire body parts to work in places they were not originally intended. 

Anyway, to make sure my new lady part was surviving; the nurse would come in and place this thing that looked like a pen on my chest.  It was like a small wand the size of a writing pen but acted like a stethoscope.  You know, like the kind of Doppler they use when you’re pregnant to listen to the baby’s heartbeat.   Well, the nurse would place the wand on three different spots to listen for the heartbeat of my “baby” (flap).  Thankfully, they always got a heartbeat, so the nurse would just take my blood pressure and then let me go back to sleep.  But I guess if they didn’t hear a heartbeat, they would be rushing me back into surgery to save the baby.

When they weren’t checking me a million times a day, I had the luxury of sleeping in a bed that was weird at first, but I ended up really liking it in the end.  It was a mix between one of those air number mattresses, pedicure massage chairs and a water bed.  I know, that sounds really crazy and you are probably thinking I dreamed all this up while I was on those really good surgery drugs.  But seriously, this bed was “ for real” and whoever invented it was a genius!   I am guessing it was designed to improve a patient’s circulation and help reduce bed sores.  It actually felt like someone was massaging my back and slowly rocking me to sleep all at the same time.  I didn’t realize how wonderful it felt until we got home to my own bed (which I previously considered comfy, but now have decided it sucks). 

Unfortunately, Romeo didn’t have such a wonderful sleeping experience at MD Anderson.  Have you ever tried to sleep in one of those hospital recliner chairs that are suppose to turn into a bed?  I remember looking over at him the first night and he was curled up in a fetal position with his head resting on the seat of the chair and the rest of his body balancing on some sort of a contraption the nurse called an ottoman.  It looked more like a four legged box with a vinyl plastic cover. 

For some reason, I was hot all the time so Romeo would crank down the AC to keep me comfortable.  During the night, he would cover his entire body (including his head) under the covers so he wouldn’t freeze to death.  This man was truly displaying for “better or for worse” in our marital agreement.  However, he has stated several times that I owe him “big,” but then I remind him of the vow stating he would not use paybacks “in sickness and in health.” 

Anyway, a couple nights before I was released, a new nurse came on duty (in the middle of the night) and noticed Romeo's unusual and awkward sleeping arrangement.  She asked him if he knew that the recliner would lie down flat so he wouldn’t have to use the ottoman.  Romeo assured her that it didn’t lay down flat and he had tried everything to make it lay back.   She confidently said she “knew” it would lay down flat and she would be right back with a different chair.  Hello People… I am sleeping.  Remember… I am the patient trying to rest while you all are having an argument about the functionality of a stupid recliner!   

A few minutes later I heard this horrible sound in the hallway that sounded like someone was dragging a lion’s claw on a huge chalkboard.  My door opened and there was my nurse with Romeo’s new recliner.  And guess what?  It laid down flat!  Yes, it was a glorious moment for my sleep deprived, frost bitten husband!  Even though he was still cold the following two nights, at least he slept better because he could stretch out his legs and didn’t have to worry about falling off the vinyl box.  Okay, so maybe Romeo has earned a few brownie points, what do you think?

My Romeo and Kosmo